The Muse's Corner
By the Philosopher of Arena Football
May 9, 2007
The Sacred Responsibilities of the Fantasy Owner
So it was November of 2006. The happiness of the holiday season had infested my soul. The delightfully icy blasts of the whirling winds near the Raleigh train station invigorated my thoughts. And best of all, I began to prepare in earnest for the 2007 Arena Fantasy Football draft.
In the weeks and months that followed, my excitement grew as the stacks of papers and statistics I was accumulating began to blot out the light from the sun. I knew that the time for the draft was near.
My fantasy league is a special, close-knit band of brothers. We have been through thick and thin, including flirtations with the USFL and the XFL. But we have always relied on our common love of the Arena to hold us together.
So when one of our members suggested they had a "friend" who wanted to join, we opened up our hearts to the newcomer. And all went well. At first.
The draft was like Christmas day, and we each left with the players we thought would take us to the playoffs. The season had begun!
Everything went as it should until week 3. That is when the newcomer committed the unpardonable sin: Neglect of turning in a lineup. This travesty was followed by another no show in week 4. And so on. There were only two possible explanations: the newcomer had run away to live with the woman of his dreams on the ever sun-filled isle of Cuba, or he was taken hostage by a group of ex Carolina Cobras fans demanding the return of the AFL team to Raleigh. Either of these excuses, while painful, we could have accepted. However, it was not so. The Newcomer was not kidnapped. It was far worse; he was merely lazy. We were let down.
So sing an elegy, o Muse, to comfort us in our loss. The Muse obliged thusly:
Dante's circles burneth hot
But Hades terrors are not enough
To take the slackard's evil deeds
And drown them in a pool of peas.
Freeze his eyelids to a lake,
Let Snoball run a shake and bake.
Drive a spike upon his toes
Put some Astroturf up his nose.
With Hammer the Smith forges a chain.
To Rob his mojo for eternal pain.
And as long as this chant of hate persists
Such a one no longer exists.
So what is the message? If you are ever given the high honor to join into a fantasy league, don't flush it down the toilet. Treat each week as the special joy that it is, and do your duty to your league. In this we pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.
Paul Celmer, aka The Philosopher of Arena Football, is a member of the Arena Football League Writers Association and a founding member of Arena Football Online. Contact Paul at pcelmer@arenafootballonline.com
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