The Muse's Corner
By the Philosopher of Arena Football, Paul Celmer
So what is the heart of Arena football? Is it the non-stop offense? The sheer joy of scoring? You need not The Philosopher to tell you about those things. No, we must go deeper.
To make good on the promise made to you last week, I took the downtown bus and headed to Cabarrus street, and the infamous Raleigh Train station. After pushing with all my strength to open the absurdly heavy and tall doors that could just as easily serve as the bulwarks against a horde of demons, I stepped over the broken beer bottles and old Big Mac wrappers, and made my way to the Station's basement.
"Oh Muse!" I sang as I approached her door. "Where can I seek the heart of Arena Football?"
I heard the seven locks of the muse's lair unbolt, and there was a tremendous screeching sound as the rusty door groaned upon its ancient hinges, followed by a flash of light.
"Seek not the heart of Arena football in vain, one-dimensional stats," she said. "To understand you must look beneath the sun-dappled surface of the river."
Then she sang two songs thus:
"Nothing has more beauty,
than watching the Blaze burn the Kats,
while at the very same time
watching the aging Bonner bomb the Predators.
Camera scans the fans.
When the electro-eye is on,
the couple must kiss,
no matter how many years of hate linger in their eyes."
And then she was gone.
What did it mean?
I thought for a time. Then I realized to watch more than one thing at a time I needed to consult AFL.Net. Now this might sound like a shameless plug, but I have found that the internet streaming of AFL games can give you much more AFL than you can ever get from just TV or radio alone.
So what does AFL.net give you that TV coverage does not? It turns out, quite a bit. Especially if you open at least two screens and watch simultaneously as I always do. Here you will have more data entering your synapses than a Symphony conductor tying to hold together a performance of Beethoven's 9th. And in this state of data bliss, you will see things that they do not allow on TV, the things that are hidden when the commercials come on.
Besides the miraculous catches off the walls and improbable scampers through frenzied defenders that we as fans are accustomed to, The Muse helped me see things beyond the surface. Things that dance in your mind. Things that tell you what you need.
Beyond the games themselves, here is what I saw in the internet streams:
- Giant fuzzy Dalmatian dog mascots shooting kids with silly string.
- Singers and rappers passing the time.
- Summer-camp tug of wars.
- T-shirt and trinket catapults fired into the screaming stands.
- Kids looking in awe at the ball they just caught from an errant QB pass.
- Field goal kicking contests to see just what the average Joe can do.
- A guy apparently trying to drive the most golf balls in three minutes and then doing the Lambeau leap inexplicably into the stands.
- A robotic miniature Hindenburg floating lazily in the air.
- And perhaps best of all, cheerleaders pushing the limits of decency with moves that might make a New York streetwalker blush (the Blaze girls seemed particularly nicely animated in week 7).
Wild.
So what is the bottom line? Since only the saints can achieve bi-location, the next best thing to being at multiple games is AFL.net.
Internet streams of AFL games are a mad, surreal journey into the heart of an impenetrable joy. Try to follow, if you dare...
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