Ask ArenaBoy
By Richard Giorgi
Better in pairs
So, I've been trying out a theory lately towards winning Arena Fantasy Football.
The theory, which is defined as a set of statements or principles devised to explain a group of facts or phenomena, especially one that has been repeatedly tested or is widely accepted and can be used to make predictions about natural phenomena, is that unlike the indoor game, you can win this sport playing two receivers from the same team.
Now, where my theory falls apart is the "repeatedly tested" and "widely accepted" part of that definition. The first part is currently in testing. The second part may never make it that far, but it's not gonna stop me from trying.
It seems like a sound experiment to me, what with the Arena game being predicated on passing. A hot offense, let's say, for instance, the San Jose Sabercats, should be a perfect breeding ground for this petri dish fantasy experience. They sure score alot. They can't stop anyone on defense. They're a notorious late-season bloomer. I think I've found my perfect scenario.
OS Ben Nelson and WR James Roe are both on fire statistically, averaging 37.6 fantasy points per game and 35.4 FPG in the five weeks since Nelson became a starter. Nelson hasn't scored below 37 points since his first week in uniform and Roe, while sometimes playing second fiddle, has a low of 19 wrapped around numerous 40+ point weeks. QB Mark Grieb is coming off a 9-TD week where he shredded the defensively sound Arizona Rattlers. He's thrown for 8 TDs twice in the past five weeks, as well.
Enter a critical game against the Tampa Bay Storm, who are a decent team defensively but give up lots of points to the better squads in the AFL. Tampa Bay has the offense to keep the Sabercats on the attack and the Sabercats have the defense to keep Tampa Bay in the game.
I think I have the perfect experiment. The ideal situation. All I need do is watch safely from the bushes while my strategem carries me to a crucial division win.
But somewhere in the translation, San Jose lost the meaning of my experimental theory. I wanted to prove it could work. Not prove that in the world of Arena Fantasy Football, that it should work.
Listening to the game on the net radio (KNBR 1050), I was full of optimistic glee. Armed with a pack of smokes, a cup of coffee and some double-dip peanuts, I was sure of a celebration. I would win this week, do it all again the following week, win then, make the playoffs and break new ground in coaching strategy.
In the 1st quarter, a defensive pass interference penalty put San Jose on the 4-yard line, where Barry Wagner carried it in. I was prepared for this, as the Sabercats are one of the better running teams in the Arena Football League. I wasn't discouraged because, hey, I'm a share-and-share-alike sort of guy. I'm not greedy, although I try to be quite often.
In the 2nd quarter, James Roe finally got lose, breaking tackles and sauntering into the end zone. Score one for me. Except he was called out at the 1-yard line. He bumped the sideboard. Surely at that time I should have recognized the cosmic jest, but I stayed firm to my theory. After all, it was early in the game and too late to change my lineup.
Roe would finish the 2nd quarter getting taken down at the seven. In the 3rd, Roe got taken down again at the 4-yard line, merely two plays after Ben Nelson had been knocked down at the 3-yard line (a delay penalty moved the next play back to the 8-yd line, setting up the play to Roe). Later in the third, Roe was again tripped up at the 3-yard line.
I think you see where I'm going with all this. If not, let me illustrate further.
In the 4th quarter, Nelson got knocked out at the 9-yard line. The very next series, Roe again got called out at the one. This particular play motivated the play-by-play announcer to state, emphatically, "Oh, that call wasn't even close. Roe was in all the way. That's a touchdown."
Small consolation for me at that point. All of those series ended in San Jose rushing TDs, a record six for the game. Some guy named Huddleston carried one in off of the backbreaking effort of my receivers.
Me, you ask? How did I fare? I think you must sense this already, because you're all astute enough to be reading this far. I know you've all been involved in the wackiness that is Arena Fantasy Football before and you've all tried making sense of this great game in the fantasy way. Do I really have to state the obvious?
I lost by seven. There. Are you happy now? Nelson finished with 14 fantasy points and Roe with 22. Barely what I expected, isn't it?
But for a couple of breaks here and there, I think my theory would have worked. I wish I would have had the requisite lobster kettles in my pants to have tried it earlier in the season, when Nelson and Roe were averaging 73 points between the two of them. Why, had I tried it one week earlier, I would have gotten an incredible 99 points from the duo.
Luckily for you, I'm a thick-headed lug. There are two more weeks left to the fantasy season and I'm going for it again. Imagine if Pavlov had quit the first time the dogs didn't salivate. Where would we be right now if he hadn't had the resolve?
So bring on the Gladiators. I'm either going to be whimpering into my soup come Monday or throwing my hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore.
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