Ask ArenaBoy
By Richard Giorgi
The Magic 8 Ball never lies
A few weeks back, I was particularly peeved with NBC.
Yes, NBC, that network that shows Arena Football games on Sundays, filling the void in my life created by my lack of devotion to the outside world. Seems NBC, instead of thrilling me with the Colorado vs Georgia Arena Bowl rematch, was forcing me to watch Los Angeles at Philadephia.
Now don't get me wrong... I loved watching the Avengers. But it wasn't the Avengers I was opposed to, oh no. It was my force-fed diet of Soul Food that was giving me indigestion. Last year, I suffered through Philadelphia games each and every week on NBC. After this latest NBC slight, I was convinced that this year was shaping up to be more of the same.
I should point out that I have nothing against watching the Soul play Arena Football. But I now live south of the Mason-Dixon line, with the bonus thrill of this move (besides the stunning weather and the easier lifestyle) being the eagerness of the NFL to show games outside my normal viewing region, games I would have never gotten to see when I lived in Brooklyn due to blackout rules. Four in a day sometimes, with only one of them being a local team.
So while I have no problem watching the Soul, I just don't want to watch them every week. I want variety.
I'm a greedy bastard, I know, but it's what I want. And my grandfather used to always say "If you ask for nothing that's exactly what you'll get."
But I'm also a realist and what my realism told me was that I had no one from whom I could demand this change. So change being unrealistic, I opted for answers and when answers are necessary, I consult the Magic 8-Ball.
If anyone doubts the veracity of the 8-ball, let it be known that I do regular checks for accuracy. Normally, this starts with an "Is Barbara Eden still hot or what?" question, to which the 8-ball always answers an emphatic "YES." Then I'll ask "Donna Summer is still a Hot Stuff Bad Girl, isn't she?" to which I get another "YES." Proof enough for me, although I'm still waiting for Beyonce to declare her love for me and move into my home (the 8-ball answered "It is decidely so" which means it's coming anyday now).
So I took that ball and shook it, shook it like my viewing pleasure depended on it. I demanded of that 8-ball, "Will NBC start showing something other than Soul games this year?" What greeted me in response was "Outlook Good."
I was bolsetered by that success and decided to press my (our) luck, so I asked, "Will another network be smart enough to pick up some Arena games in the near future?" This time the 8-ball spat out, "As I see it Yes."
I was thrilled. I floated on clouds. I watched the Soul next week light-heartedly, knowing that soon the predictions of the Magic 8-ball would be enacted. It was as sure as the sun coming up in the morning, as sure as the pounding headache that comes to me when I don't get coffee by 10am, as sure as the entire female population of the planet being able to inately identify me as a bad dating prospect.
So I waited... patiently. Patience is one of the qualities I have in excess.
And last week it happened. NBC showed Los Angeles vs Orlando. They've followed that up this week with Dallas vs Tampa Bay. And I just saw a promo for next week, when they'll be showing Dallas vs Orlando. Then came the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) picking up some AFL games, allowing me to watch Philadelphia vs Las Vegas last week and Colorado vs Chicago this week. And Fox Sports Network South started showing Georgia games, and occasionally Nashville games as well.
My quality of life has improved. The Magic 8-ball came through again. There are things in the universe that we're just not meant to understand.
Now Beyonce, if you're reading this, and I know you are, it's time to make your move while the magic is strong. Come and get our destiny started. I'll even wipe my underarms with a rag for you, just like you like...
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